Snape in Wonderland
by Atrusa Solaris
Summary: Alice in Wonderland/Potter crackfic. Snape's world is thrown in a tizzy when a few adamant DRINK ME bottles show up and he is dragged off by a White Rabbit against his will on an adventure. Hilarity ensues. Full summary inside.
1. DRINK ME DAMMIT

Snape in Wonderland.

Summary: Snape's world is thrown upside down when an adamant Drink Me Bottle shows up and he is ddragged against his will by a White Rabbit on an adventure. Now he must aid his students, co-workers, Order members and Death-eaters in an epic battle fueled by opium and sheer weirdness.

Disclaimer: This was a brainchild cooked up between two dysfunctional hyper young adults and fed crack and LSD after viewing the opium dream called Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland and inspired by caterpillar Snape. We do not own Harry Potter or Alice in Wonderland. KTNX.

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Chapter one: DRINK ME GODDAMMIT

It was a bright and glorious spring day in Hogwarts castle. Well it was to everyone except Professor Severus Snape who hated anything bright and beautiful. He had taken refuge to the cold, damp dungeons to reminisce in that ginger hair, those green eyes, that white smile, limber body that the bright and beautiful things reminded him of…

A timid knock on the door suddenly jerked him from his fantasies of his grandmother's cat. Grumbling in his Snape-ish way, he grudgingly got up and stormed towards the door with his cape billowing dramatically behind him coupled with the swishing sound of his unwashed hair before flinging it open to find It. It being the innocent looking glass vial with a slip of parchment attached that said in delicate writing: Drink Me.

Snape stared at the bottle. Then he looked around. Then back at the bottle. Then he listened closely for the snickering of the blasted Weasley twins or the Potter trio. He promptly picked up the bottle and walked to the nearest bathroom and poured it out. He returned to his office and began thinking back to his grandma's cat. Yes, it had been a Persian. Oh how he loved that kitty until his grandfather had accidentally turned it into a dormouse and the other cat ate it. The shaggy black one with the brown eyes.

He was roused from his thought a second time by another timid knock on the door. He once more rose, his cape billowed and nasty hair swished to the door to find another bottle labeled Drink Me. He repeated the process. This time, he allowed his mind to plunge into new potion ideas.

A more rapid knocking issued, a tad more urgent. He rose, billowed, swished to the door. Now the bottle said "Drink Me. Please?"

He snorted before throwing it down the hall. As soon as the door was closed, a knock came a bit more urgently, but yet still as timid. He flung it open to find the bottle again, this time stating "That wasn't very nice. Drink Me please?"

He stared at the bottle. Such a persistent little annoyance. He stepped over it and proceeded up to Flitwick's office. Surely the midget could counter the damn charm on it. To his annoyance, the tiny wizard wasn't in his office. He decided to check the classroom instead but it appeared that Flitwick had taken his fourth year charms class outside. He turned in frustration to find a bottle with a bigger slip on it.

"You wouldn't be that pissed off if you had just drank me already."

Snape twitched. It was following him. The bottle was actually following him. He whipped out his wand and snapped it towards the bottle and the bottle shattered into dust, the liquid spilling onto the desk.

Satisfied, he continued on his way to teach his next class. As he arrived, the class of fifth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs had already gathered outside the door.

"Professor. This was outside your door." One of the Ravenclaws held up another vial. Snape snatched it away and unrolled the parchment attached.

"DRINK ME ALREADY YOU ASSHOLE. I've been polite about it, but you NEED to drink me! Do you know how hard it is to be me? Most people have felt guilty by now! But not you! This is my job! To be drunken by dimwits! But you are too stubborn so we can do this the hard way or the easy way. Now DRINK ME!"

Snape blinked. He believed he had just been called an asshole, scolded and threatened by a glass vial in one go. He thrust it into the hands of a Hufflepuff.

"Dispose of this." He snapped.

Just as the fifth years had settled into brewing their potions, it happened. A loud ominous BANG resounded throughout the room. Everyone's head flicked to the door as the beakers and tubes clinked.

BANG.

Snape looked up from scratching a T on Potter's paper before rising, billowing and swishing to the door. He flung it open and looked around.

"Ahem." Snape looked down to see a white rabbit in a waistcoat. He blinked. The Rabbit blinked back. "You're late."

"Pardon?" Snape said silkily.

"You're late to drink this." The rabbit held up a vial whose parchment now said "HAHAHA I WIN BITCH. DRINK ME."

"You must be mistaken." Snape snarled. The students had now gathered behind him and were staring. The Rabbit sighed.

"You leave me no choice. I'm terribly sorry about this, but the story cannot begin until you drink this." The rabbit leaned forward, bit the potions master and when Snape opened his mouth in surprise, the Rabbit quickly jumped up and chucked the contents of the vial into Snape's open mouth. Snape fell unconscious and the Rabbit dragged him off into a hole in the dungeon wall. The students looked at each other, not entirely sure what to do since it's not everyday your potions master is dragged off by a rabbit in a waistcoat.

"Um…shouldn't we tell someone?"

"Nah, He'll turn up soon."

With that the entire class left, trying to block out the image of their professor being kidnapped by a rabbit.

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Review. Please. I will give you tea and biscuits if the March Hare doesn't throw them all at you.


	2. I'm Baked Darling, Like an Apple pie

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Alice in Wonderland

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Chapter two: I'm Baked darling. Like an Apple Pie.

Snape woke up to find he was on a mushroom. And that he was blue. And also a caterpillar. These three things did not quite add up in his brain. He looked around. He appeared to be on Hogwarts grounds judging by the fact he was sitting outside Hagrid's hut. Beside him was the Rabbit.

"You need to find the boy. Bring him to Wonderland!" The Rabbit urged.

"What boy do you speak of? There are hundreds of boys in this school. More importantly, why am I a caterpillar?"

"No time to explain. I'm late for another meeting you know!" The Rabbit then turned and took off hopping towards the Forest.

Snape blinked. Bastard could have at least given him a ride to the castle. But no. He noticed a hookah behind him. It looked mighty tempting. He took a hit from it. As he exhaled blue smoke, he wondered which boy the Rabbit was talking about. Well really, there was only one that it could possibly be. Snape figured if he waited long enough, the Potter boy would come visit the dimwit oaf sometime. In the meantime, he had this delightful hookah to attend to.

3 Hours Later…

Snape was baked darling. Like an apple pie. Oh he could give advice and make it sound wonderful to anyone who asked. Lately he had taken up attempting to explain to a Fairy how she should take up potions in order to a doxy away.

The Potter boy had come and had been inside the hut for at least an hour visiting the super giant keeper of keys. Snape wondered if this is what regular giants looked like. The Potter boy was telling Hagrid about this annoying bottles showing up wherever he went imploring him to drink it.

As he exhaled, Snape vaguely wondered how exactly he was to lure the Potter boy to Wonderland, wherever the hell that was. He noticed he could make smoke rings an hour prior and was now spelling out random things much to the Fairy's delight as she buzzed and pointed to random things. The door rattled and the Fairy took off. Snape had a stoned sense of inspiration and inhaled a huge amount as the wonder trio came out. He exhaled into the wind.

"What's that smell?" The Weasley boy wrinkled his noise.

"It's coming from over there, whatever it is." The Potter boy took a whiff. "Say, Hagrid, are you burning anything?"

"Ah, Nope. Now tha' I know of." The Giant looked a bit bewildered as they started looking around for the smell. Snape had already jumped onto the Potter Boy's bag and had crawled into one of the pockets, gently weeping for his lost hookah.

"Hey I found a little thingy…and it smells." Harry held up the tiny hookah. They all shrugged and he dropped it in his bag. Snape's weeping now turned into tears of joy.

As he rode in the bag, he contemplated the situation. He vaguely remembered that book Alice in Wonderland his Lily had made him read. He huffed crossly. After all, wasn't the Rabbit supposed to be the one that lured the child to the rabbit hole? Not the stoned caterpillar. Instead of focusing his energy on that, Snape decided to allow his mind to peacefully drift off into dreams of a red-haired woman…

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Review? I want to know how this is for other people dammit….


	3. It's in the Water

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Alice in Wonderland or else I'd play with the Cheshire cat all the time….

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Chapter three: It's in the water.

As Snape was contemplating in transfiguration, a bigger problem was adding up outside. The Rabbit stood trembling at the edges of the lake.

Alas, Hogwarts Lake. A lake filled with odd creatures, a tribe of Merpeople, a giant squid, occasionally a perverted ghost and a thousand years worth of fecal matter from the school sewage system. Needless to say, if the students really knew where it all went when they flushed, they wouldn't be swimming in the Lake that afternoon or ever for that matter.

Myrtle was rather curious as to why a strange liquid had been dumped down her toilet several times, but was more curious as to why she felt like venturing out of the lake on the grounds. Oh she hoped she didn't run into Peeves. She rose to the water's edge of the lake and peered out at a Rabbit in a waistcoat.

"Hello. You're almost running late." The Rabbit spoke. Having lived in the castle for over 50 years, Myrtle was pretty used to having weird shit happen.

"Late for what?"

"Can't answer that. We must wait for the others now. Oh how dreadfully late they are." The Rabbit took out a brass pocket watch and tapped his hind foot impatiently. It was then Goyle decided to be funny and shove Malfoy into the lake, who inadvertently swallowed some water which had trace amounts of the bizarre liquid in it, who then splashed water violently at the two lumbering idiots who were cackling with their mouths open.

"There they are." The Rabbit clapped his hand- er… Paws together as the three fell unconscious. After all, it was only to work it's effect on those chosen by it. He hopped over and dragged them into a rabbit hole not too far off and stuffed the bodies in. He motioned to Myrtle who shrugged.

"Beats getting flushed every hour." She shrugged as she jumped in.

Neville Longbottom peered out from the reeds in the water, having hidden when he heard Malfoy coming. He was already searching for a plant, but still. What the hell was going on? He made to move, stepped on a slick stone in the water and fell foward, swallowing some water as he went. The Rabbit heard this, hopped over and saw his fifth guest floating in the water. After shoving Neville into the hole, the Rabbit cast his eye over the edges of the lake, trying to determine if any more people he needed were present. He flipped open his pocketwatch when he was satisfied that there were none.

"Oh dear, it appears this has made me late to gather the others." The Rabbit sighed. His work just never was done, was it? But first he needed to deliver something to the Gryffindor common room.

Snape bounced along in Potter's bag all the way up to the Gryffindor dormitory where the bag was unceremoniously thrown on the bed, nearly crushing him. Potter himself had kicked off his shoes, taken off his robe, loosened his tie and was already wandering down to the common room. Snape vaguely thought about telling him off about homework. He had more important things though. Where was the White Rabbit?

Almost as soon as he thought it, the Rabbit appeared.

"You need to hurry up!" The Rabbit scolded as he hopped up on the bed and placed a mushroom on the dresser behind the gaggle of photo frames. "We're running late." He added as he picked through the bag to find the hookah and proceeded to place it and him on the mushroom.

"You always seem to be running late Rabbit. What are we late for anyways?"

"You'll find out soon enough! For the forces of Darkness are gathering in Wonderland at this second! Oh dear, I really haven't the time to tell you the whole story now. Just get him to the Forbidden Forest by midnight tomorrow! Preferably before!" With that, the Rabbit hopped off the bed and disappeared, leaving Snape vowing never to smoke that hookah so much in one day.

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Reviews please? It lets me know how I'm doing. Oh and before I forget, I want to hear some votes on who the March Hare should be. Your Choices are;

Mundungus

Lupin

Moody

Neville.

Thanks for reading so far!


	4. Dunderhead

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Alice in Wonderland.

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Chapter four: Dunderhead.

Meanwhile, All around Hogwarts, there grew reports of missing teachers and students. No one was entirely sure what to do, but more stories flew around with rabbits in waistcoats dragging teachers off to the dungeons and Myrtle's toilet being silent. Even Peeves was confused. Filch shuffled around, attempting to find Dumbledore who was curiously absent. Not that it was anything new, but Filch want to look important. Mrs. Norris however had been chasing a Rabbit all day…

Snape sat awaiting his opportunity. The boy had fallen asleep hours ago and was tossing and turning in his sleep. Finally his eyes slammed open and he was breathing heavily. Snape chose this moment to exhale a long stream of blue smoke. He watched as Potter's eye followed it and landed on him.

"Oh look, you're awake." Snape said dully.

"Who are you?" The Potter boy hissed fearfully.

Inspiration struck Snape in the form of the a memory of that book Lily made him read.

"The question is. Who are YOU?" He exhaled the letter 'U'.

"Harry Potter."

"Really now? Because all I see is a dunderhead who's failing potions."

"How do you know about that? Who are you?" Harry asked. The voice was scarily familiar. He had to be dreaming or hallucinating.

"No. Who are you?"

"I already answered that." Harry was starting to feel agitated.

"I'm here to tell you something Potter." Snape deeply inhaled on the hookah before exhaling.

"What?"

"Weasley snores very loudly for one. The other is that your presence is requested in the Forbidden Forest."

"But the Forest is forbidden for a reason!" Harry started.

"Just go dunderhead."

"What is that thing?"

"A Hookah. And a damn good one. Idiot."

"Harry, what's going on? I smell smoke…" The Finnegan boy had woken up. Snape exhaled a huge cloud and found himself relocating to underneath Longbottom's bed.

Harry looked back to where the blue caterpillar had been.

"It's nothing Seamus, go back to sleep."

"You know we can't smoke them muggle cigarettes in here. You got tobacco? I wouldn't have pegged you for a smoker Harry." Seamus yawned, clearly not awake.

"I do not!"

"Yeah and my name…isn't…Se-" Seamus fell backward back on his bed and was snoring again.

Harry threw the covers off himself and snuck over to Ron's bed.

"Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron." Harry hissed as he poked his best friend.

Ron started coughing before cracking open a bleary eye.

"What's up Harry? What time is it? "

"Ron there's something very wrong."

Ron sat bolt upright.

"What? What is it? Is it You-Know-Who?" Ron was suddenly wide awake.

"No. At least I don't think so. A blue caterpillar appeared to me smoking that hookah we found and was saying we need to go to the Forbidden Forest."

Ron looked at him as if he'd grown three heads.

"You woke me up because a caterpillar smoking a hookah told you to go into the Forest at-" He checked his alarm clock. "3 am."

"A caterpillar that sounded like Snape."

Ron blinked.

"Right. Well, good night Harry. We'll get you to the Hospital Wing in the morning." With that, the ginger rolled over and fell back asleep.

Harry reluctantly wandered back to his own bed. Could he be going crazy? Well, this wasn't exactly the first time he's thought so. Maybe he did need to go to the Hospital Wing…

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Reviews? Plz? I want to know how I'm doing?


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